I read a Spanish quote awhile back that translates into: “Traveler, there is no path, paths are made by walking” and it resonated with me because sometimes I feel like I am going somewhere no one else seems to be going.
Another quote I read recently said: “It feels good to be lost in the right direction” which is a rather accurate description of how I feel about my path of life at the moment. I am not exactly sure where I am going but I am going somewhere and I know that wherever I go, I will end up exactly where I am supposed to be.
Changing my life the way I did I have received frequent both negative and positive comments, both at times hard to hear. What doesn’t show on, I suppose, social media or however I share my journey is how lost I feel or how much I miss home some days. I do consider my life and everything it includes a beautiful adventure and I have learnt to develop a positive attitude towards both the rewards and the challenges. I have conditioned myself to tune in to the positivity in the life that I live but does that mean my life is perfect? Not in the societal conceptual way, no. Well, then, does that mean that everything I share on social media isn’t real? No but I don’t share everything that I am experiencing either. I tend to share magical, memorable moments or photos that I enjoy. But like anything in this life nothing is ever a hundred percent accurate perspective of all that is. I attempt to focus on everything good in life as I have found it to be true that the more you have the more you receive; the more you tune into the positive experiences, the more positivity you allow to enter your life.
Days I still feel lost but I recognize that when you have left the path and the map but kept walking, feeling lost is inevitable though I have come to realize that there is a significant difference between feeling lost and being lost. Feeling lost is perceptual, it is a psychological construct and changeable; being lost is more complex (especially to someone like me who has no sense of direction) but from all the times that I have been lost (which is A LOT) I have found that by eliminating expectations of a certain destination, you tend to always end up where you are going, somewhere.
When I first going in a different direction, a lot of people didn’t understand it; and a lot probably still don’t, which I suppose is even part of my incentive for sharing this. I definitely don’t blame anyone for their probably relatively rational responses to my life decisions. If I had a person I cared about, even the slightest, walk seemingly senselessly in an undirected direction, supposedly even without sense of direction, I would be worried as well. Though, what I couldn’t communicate when I made that decision was the certainty I felt, that my heart was tuned to guide me, exactly where I needed to go, even if somewhere no one else was going.
When I left Denmark, it was because I felt in my heart, that it was what I needed to do, in order to be happy, unconditionally. I realized later that to some of the people close to me this may have been perceived as if they weren’t enough to make me happy or as if I wasn’t grateful for their love and presence. Something I realized in reflection of everything that has happened over the past 3 months and I understand how it is commonly misconceived, though that was never it.
None of the decisions I have made within this period of time detracts from the love I have for my friends or my family that I have been blessed with and feel eternally grateful for. They mean the world to me, even if I don’t say it enough, and I think of them everyday. I miss home all the time, being away from home is such a strong reminder of what a blessing it is to be home; surrounded by the people I love. However instead of allowing it to prevent me from traveling I think of it as a blessing to be in a position where I am constantly reminded of how fortunate I am to have such loving people in my life, people that make it so hard to leave home, even if to do what sets my soul on fire.
Since I left, something else I have been told, is that I live in a dream; that the life I live isn’t real and that someday I will have to return to my real life. In deciding to follow my heart, I am living out the dreams that I have had since I was 14 years old yet I don’t consider any periods of my life less real or less significant.
When I was younger I used to pretend I was sick to get out of going to school just to stay in bed all day and read encyclopedias because I wanted to learn about the world. Now I am 21 and somewhere along the way I realized that I couldn’t spend the rest of my life hiding away in my bed, daydreaming. That dream is the reality I live now; and for the first time in my life I find myself being present in what is, rather than daydreaming about what could have been.
It is something I suppose I never really speak about and never really have. I never liked speaking up about my dreams because I was afraid of what people would think and what they would say. Though I was always a daydreamer and never really present in anything which left me feeling immensely disconnected. I never liked being different even though I always knew I was. I always tried to be more like everyone else even though it didn’t make me happy. It wasn’t until recently that I was able to embrace the person that I really am, that I have always been deep in my heart but never acknowledged. Which I suppose may be the reason why it may appear as if I have changed, another comment I have received often recently.
I believe something else that contributes to that, other than me leaving my home as abruptly as I did, is the fact that I, two days ago now, promised my hand in marriage to a man that I have only known for 6 weeks. (Along with probably all other seemingly irrational decisions I have made recently) People were extremely surprised and I do understand how hard it must be to comprehend. It surprised me as well and even in wearing an engagement ring I am still struggling to comprehend how quickly everything has evolved.
Everything about our love has been seemingly irrational but in reality I feel like the only real irrational love is love that is rational. This man has reminded me that I am enough as I am and that I am always worthy of my dreams, no matter how ambitious. He enables me to grow everyday; he encourages me to follow my dreams; he reminds me daily of what is real; and I know in my heart that he would never let life escape me, why my commitment to our love is not a restraint but a release and why the question was never really a question.
I don’t even know if any of this makes sense. But I felt the need to express everything that has been on my mind the last few days. I feel blessed for all the people I have in my life, regardless of mine or their geographical location and I am so grateful to see people I love, love me back, in spite of, even because of, my elusive spirit and unconventional path of life.