Ever since I was a young girl and all throughout my teenage years I have been obsessed with social media to the point where it literally controlled my life. I spent hours looking at other peoples photos, comparing myself to them, wishing my life would be more like their lives, going places for the sole purpose of sharing photos of it on social media in a hopeless attempt to display the life that I thought I needed in order to be happy. I looked at girls who were perfect, who were wealthy, who were worshiped and I thought to myself “What can I do to be them?” “Why am I not like them?” I felt worthless because I thought I needed that external validation in order for me to love myself and in order to be happy. I then became obsessed with losing weight, and so I did. In fact I was perfect for a while. Guys adored me and girls envied me, still I felt more insecure than ever. But if I was perfect and everybody loved me then why did I feel more insecure than ever? I never felt more insecure and my insecurity was inevitable because I was constantly searching for acknowledgement in other people’s acceptance of me because I couldn’t accept myself. I did not love myself, honestly I did not even know that I was supposed to love myself. All that I had ever heard growing up from the media and the people around me was “you’re not enough” and “I am not enough” What is that even? Not enough for who? For what? That is what social media projected onto me I would see a beautiful photo of me and feel amazing about it and then comparing it to 100 photos of other girls and suddenly feel insecure. Same photo but different perception. The worst thing is that social media is completely limited, it is completely based on appearance and it is completely delusional. For me, no matter how perfect I was I was never perfect enough for myself. I spent so much time seeking validation through likes and followings on social media that I eventually lost all other content in my life. On my instagram profile, I eventually, rapidly gained more followers and I started receiving envious comments from friends and even strangers about this. People from all over, complete strangers, were suddenly interested in me and following the constituted life that I was displaying through social media, “that must be amazing” my friends suggested, it wasn’t. The expectations of such a significant number of people were an unbearable pressure for someone who could barely bear here own expectations and I felt more insecure than ever. I found myself becoming this person whose every activity would be determined by whether it was worthy of sharing on social media. How stupid is that. A friend kiddingly said to me whenever I would take a photo while in LA: “Picture or it didn’t happen” and thinking about it I honestly don’t know whether to laugh or cry because that was literally my reality. The editied life that I projected on social media took over my real life meanwhile my actual real life was falling apart without me even realizing it. I was living in this constituted unreal reality. Conclusion: Social media is not real and I am over it.
I honestly do feel like I may be losing it a little bit, I have spent a lot of time by myself lately and had a lot of time to think and rethink everything. I am changing so much these days I can’t even describe it. Every practical aspect of my life is falling apart, I literally cannot think of a more appropriate period of my life to develop a depression honestly, yet all I feel is love and gratitude and vibrancy and liberation. I cannot explain how this happened it is like something just switched in my mind. I am just over feeling any less than amazingly, unconditionally happy. I genuinely don’t care about what other people think of me anymore, I am allowing myself to be vulnerable at last and even though it is terrifying it is what has liberated me and what has inspired me to create something exceptional. Take writing and publishing this, most people would do anything rather than admit that they care about other peoples opinions (which most people do) and that was how I was just a couple weeks ago. It’s beyond comprehension how quickly my mind has shifted, however now I honestly genuinely could not care less about what people think of me because I have come to love the person that I am unconditionally and because my sense of worth is no longer dependent on any external opinions. The thing about social media is that it manipulates to believe that worth is determined by likes, by followers, by materialistics, by appearance, by external validation and external factors in general when in reality worth is internal and infinite always. This is why this morning I deleted all photos on my instagram that I found to be completely delusional and not at all representative of the actual reality in that moment, I unfollowed everyone no exceptions and I deleted the app off of my phone. I am still contemplating quitting social media for good, deleting my instagram profile along with other social media apps and accounts that are taking up time that I don’t have. In short: I am over it. What is the purpose? Pretend to be happy at the cost of missing out on what actually makes you happy no thank you I’m not buying into that. I am so over living my life through a screen. I mean seriously how is it that we have come to accept life to be limited to this electronic device we carry around in our pocket? I mean seriously. The other day I was sitting on the train on my way home from work and no one was bothered to engage in an actual real life conversation with the people around them. Everyone was just sitting there on their phones, completely disconnected from the outside world, like what is that? For me that was it. I am so over being that person. I want real connections with real people. I want to be present. I want to be engaging in conversations with the people around me. I want to be feeling grateful for whatever situation I find myself in. I don’t want to be constantly looking ahead wishing my life was more like this or more like that when truth is that you will never be happy if you are looking for that feeling in anything or anyone but yourself. Once you realize that you complete yourself you will feel happy and content and the most amazing part of it is that nothing or no one will be able to change that.
Perfect doesn’t exist and no filter or caption can disguise that. Imperfection is all there is but what is so unique to imperfection is that it’s real and honestly I find it so more desirable to be real rather than perfect.