Journal – Monday 26/10/15

In the past I always used to dread Mondays but working as a bartender Mondays are my nights off and for that very reason I have vowed to make my Mondays extraordinary. Now Monday is my favorite day.

Last night marked the end of a beyond stressful workweek and I went to bed feeling drained in every way possible, this morning however I woke up feeling restless. (Literally as in un-rested yet unable to rest) The curse of insomnia is that the less you sleep the more you stress and the more you stress the less you sleep. It’s a vicious cycle.

I left the house this morning without plans. I just needed to get out and so I did, carrying the bag that I find I carry around most days (in a completely non-exotic modern-day-nomad kind of manner). The bag contains an extra set of clothes, my toothbrush, whatever book I am currently reading, my laptop, a bottle of water, my camera and my journal. In short: Everything you need to survive when you need when you never know where life will take you. It is unreasonably heavy to carry around yet I find pleasure in always having everything I need with me. I think that is part of the reason as well that I am actually no longer ever bored. Part of the reason also being that I literally do not have any spare time to be bored I reckon. I have finally realized what it feels like to not “have enough hours in the day” and that is despite sleeping only 4-5 hours a night. Needless to say I can officially declare that after almost 2 years caffeine free I have reclaimed my coffee addiction. I actually just realized this morning as well that I have not watched television in two weeks and I don’t miss it at all. Whenever I am not working I am always either on the beach, reading or writing and I absolutely love it. I find it unbelievably liberating. I haven’t even read or watched the news not even once during these past almost 2 months now, I literally have no clue about what is going on in world and I am absolutely fine like that. It is like I exist in my own little parallel universe of creativity. It is kind of a relief to be honest not worrying about saving the world for once, just saving myself at this point and time seems like a lot of work.

After I left the house this morning I went down to Burleigh Beach. Today was such a beautiful morning, the perfect morning to spend reading in the sun, and that was when something quite extraordinary occurred. The past 3 days I haven’t been able to write at all, I have been entirely uninspired, however this morning, in spite of my initial indifferent attitude towards life upon awakening, a couple pages into the book, inspiration struck me. It was probably the most explicit encounter I believe I have ever had with inspiration. The entire experience was rather strange, almost surreal and to at least unbelievably surprising.

The book I had been eager to read for a while. I had heard quite extraordinary reviews of it and my expectations were set high – obviously I was doomed to be disappointed, this morning I was a hundred pages in and quite frankly I didn’t really enjoy it. I was disappointed or more so: I was ready to return it and begin another book, yet my finisher nature makes me almost physically unable to not finish something that I have already begun and I insistently continued reading and this morning, a few pages in., that was when the magic happened. Suddenly every sentence resonated with me, the following more than the previous. I suddenly felt utterly inspired and even though my thoughts began wandering I was committed to continue reading.

What made the experience even more extraordinary and what ultimately made it feel almost magical was the fact that this encounter with inspiration is in fact exactly what the book is about. The book suggest that ideas are not merely products of our thoughts but rather independently existing products of the universe that interact with humans as they please rather than humans please. (read: why you cannot force inspiration) The idea is rather abstract and initially I felt like it was a bit too out there for me but after this experience who am I to know what is out there. Humans can only comprehend so much (even though most of us like to think we understand it all)

An hour later I found myself on the train. I was still reading. I didn’t really know where I was going or what I was doing, which I suppose is in fact almost ironic as it serves as such an accurate metaphor for my life circumstances at the moment. I have no idea where I am going or what I am doing. Honestly sometimes I don’t even know which train I am on.

Today the train I was on took me to Southport, a harbor town about 20km north of where I woke up.

I was even supposed to go to Springbrook National Park this afternoon with a friend but after my epiphany this morning I rescheduled and went on my own adventure instead, in an attempt to pursue inspiration.

I went to the movie theater. Going to the movies by yourself is actually amazing. Nobody is interrupting you, nobody will catch you sopping over the ever-predictable cliché storyline, nobody will steal your popcorn. I am already planning out my next movie. It was such a treat as well considering I haven’t watched any form of television in 2 weeks, let alone movies. It felt like such a relief as well to get to engage in issues that aren’t yours to resolve and even though I cried one my entire own agenda, it felt perfectly cathartic.

Today, I ended up spending the entire day by myself except for a brief chat and a carried with my friend this evening. It was perfect and perfectly progressive in the most non-progressive manner possible.

I find it deeply ironic how I’ve always wished to acquire a life that I don’t need a vacation from, including your career especially, yet even now that I have essentially everything I have dreamed of in years, I have rarely been more longing for my days off, let alone vacation. Makes me wonder if such life even exists. Maybe it is the contrast that is essential. Like it is with everything I suppose.

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